Friday, March 4, 2011

I've been told I have confidence. Herein is the truth.

As has been stated before, I have an enormous ego. This should not surprise you. I am a writer. What’s more, I am a writer of fiction. I believe that you people should literally buy into my blatant lies, preferably with cold hard cash and fawning devotion.

And yet today I find that my ego is even more vast and secure in its vastness than I had previously assumed. For you see, I have never once doubted that, someday, I will be published. Traditionally published. Agents, gatekeepers, industry mafia, and all.

Oh sure, sometimes I awaken in the dead of night, my heart seized by the terrifying possibility that the last ten years have been a lie, that in fact I am a pathetic no-talent hack clutching at delusions, that I’ve wasted my life chasing after something that can never be realized.

But then I turn on the light and get my glasses settled and replace a bit more of my blood with Dr. Pepper, and I remember that my writing is fantastic and there’s no way I won’t be published someday. Maybe it won’t be for this particular project. Heck, maybe I won’t hit The One until I’ve been living in my parents’ non-existent basement for another 20 years. But it will happen. I have no doubt.

It’s tricky, because my friends doubt their own potential sometimes, and I try to talk them out of it without really knowing what to say. I have no doubt that they’ll be published as well, and I tell them so. But I imagine the words seem shallow, stock phrases to be dispensed on command, the sort of support a parrot could offer if bribed with sufficiently fancy crackers.

And perhaps that’s the truth, and I’m just so delusional and self-absorbed that I’ve convinced myself otherwise. But I don’t think so. For one thing, I’ve met people who are delusion and self-absorbed, and they are far more obnoxious than an anti-social weirdo like me could ever hope to be.

So I sit down at my computer and continue to plod away, even on those days when I hate the world and everyone in it. And I’m not entirely bothered by the fact that I don’t have a day job; because I don’t really want a day job. This is the only work that feels right for me to do, so I do it.

After all, whom am I to argue with a sure thing?


  1. We've got to keep the faith to stay sane! Never doubt yourself, that way madness lies. Madness and failure.

    Day jobs are overrated, and when friends condescendingly ask us if we are going to settle down anytime soon and get a real job we can smile and laugh to ourselves "they just don't get it" and pity them for their 9-5, their tiny cubicle, their worthless possessions.

    Keep the faith, Addley!

  2. You know, it's funny. I may doubt my current stories, but I never doubt my future. I am there with you my friend. It's a blind faith that keeps me going. :)

  3. Egos and clever "lies" aside, I'm buying into the writerly voice you posses and look forward to the result of your "plodding along".

    PS: Love the fact that the it is "Luke" who told you to "Keep the faith". :)